This week former Jersey Shore star Vinny Guadagnino released his first song, “No Versace,” a beautiful, tender ballad about a Guido looking for real love. Just kidding. It’s horrible. But it’s also not the first time a reality show star has attempted to forge a singing career. Here, we review some of the best-worst efforts of the last decade. Listen with caution.
Vinny Guadagnino “No Versace”
I find it difficult to hate Vinny Guadagnino too hard. On Jersey Shore he always seemed like the odd man out, never quite diving into full-on GTL mode. It’s like he was conducting an experiment among wild natives, trying to see how long he could keep hanging out and getting paid while embarrassing himself as little (contextually speaking) as possible. So, I don’t know: maybe “No Versace” is some self-aware satire of Juice Head-approved, designer name-dropping hip hop tunes? Yeah, I know. But it was worth a shot.
Kim Kardashian “Jam (Turn it Up)”
In four minutes, this Euro-dance monstrosity manages to hit on every cliché of a club thumper: Kim is “feeling so good” while she parties like it’s “her birthday,” and something-something shots, something-something VIP, something-something good lord please make it stop. After its release, everyone involved started crowing about how the not insignificantly promoted song was “just for fun.” But so bad it’s just bad, The Dream’s clearance bin production can’t manufacture even the slightest bit of joy or liveliness in Kim’s voice; she sounds like a Saturday Night Live parody of a lobotomized pop star. If this is her idea of fun, I think I’ll party somewhere more enjoyable: Guantanamo, maybe.
Countess Luann “Money Can’t Buy You Class”
If Miss Manners were an early-‘90s drag queen, she’d sound a lot like the Countess’s dry speak-singing in this perfume commercial-looking clip. Do you need a reminder to not text on dates? Do you appreciate ruminations on class and sophistication delivered by someone who participates in The Real Housewives of New York? Are you entirely blind to irony? Here’s your new favorite song.
Kim Zolciak “Tardy for the Party”
Deep thoughts: if Kim Zolciak throws a party, and everyone is tardy, did the party ever happen at all? (And if a tree falls in the woods and hits her, does anyone care?) Perhaps we should ask her Real Housewives of Atlanta costars, who clearly “declined with regrets” so they could pull up a chair and deliver some serious side-eye to this performance. Also in attendance: Bravo bigwig Andy Cohen, wagging his tail and beaming like an Irish Setter because while the rest of us are shaking our heads at this, YAY HE’S RICH!
Paris Hilton “Stars Are Blind”
Look, I’m not saying this song is any good. But compared to the other entries on this list, this flirty tropical tune is a bona fide masterpiece. Paris sounds like she’s really trying to carry a tune, which is almost endearing: like when the rich girl-turned-executive assistant earnestly attempts to program the coffee machine. (“What is this rocket ship?” say her trembling fingers.) But then, this is how a lot of entertainment works now: you get so inured to “horrible,” that “not very good” suddenly seems like a refreshing surprise.
Heidi Montag “Body Language”
Human cautionary tale Heidi Montag debuted her decade-too-late Britney Spears imitation, “Body Language,” at the Miss Universe 2009 telecast. The result is about what you’d expect. Oh, except that unexpectedly catchy, squiggly synth line? Don’t worry, that’s not original Montag; it’s a sample of the 1982 song “Situation” by British synthpop band Yaz. So you don’t have to hate yourself for actually digging that part. Phew.
Melissa Gorga “On Display”
In “On Display,” the Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member whines about the downside of her completely unearned fame, including that vicious paparazzi that always “try to bring her down,” “drive her insane,” and “slander her name.” Huh. Well, if it makes you feel any better, Melissa – I had no idea who you were.
DJ Pauly D “Beat Dat Beat”
Doing his best Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch impression, Pauly D reminds us haterz that he “doesn’t represent all Italians.” “I represent myself,” he chest-thumps over the kind of beats you hear when you sniff too much bleach. Oh, he beat the beat alright. To a pulp. (To be fair, his 2012 song “Back To Love,” featuring vocals by Jay Sean, at least sounds like a real dance-pop tune.)
Tila Tequila “I Love U”
Thanks, Tila. But it’s not you, it’s me. Actually, I just listened again; and it’s you. Definitely you.
Miss Lawrence “Closet Freak”
Real Housewives of Atlanta hairstylist and gender-bender Miss Lawrence can, apparently, sing relatively well. With a better song, maybe we’d have a contender. Alas, while this Miss styles himself couture, this noisy declaration of independence sounds cheap and off-the-rack.
